01/28/2010, OKC
Last summer as I headed back to OKC, I was about 250 miles East of Portland driving down the road eating lunch...Burger King...it was a Whopper!
First let me set this story up. For the last couple of years my two front lower teeth have been kind of loose. Last spring I ask my Dentist in Oklahoma if he could wire them together to keep from losing them. He told me "he'd never had any luck with that procedure", he said "they're hard to clean and the brace usually falls off". Falls off? What's the big deal? Anyway I let it go.
This summer when I was home I had to have a Root Canal done. While they were in there I convinced my dentist in Portland to at least try the procedure. To me it was worth the risk... What she did was take a stainless steel wire about an inch and a quarter long and cement it to the back of the lower four teeth. It was hard getting used to but it worked like a charm.
So I'm about half way through the Whopper when I noticed the appliance, brace or wire, whatever you want to call it was missing! Of course like the dumb@$$ I am...I'm looking all over the cab and floor of the truck like it fell out...I'll give you three guesses were it went. Ya that's right...I swallowed it! This is a sharp piece of wire...now what am I going to do? Panic is starting to set in...do I go back to Portland? What do I do? I call Susan who calls the dentist, after talking to other dentist in the office they said "eat lots of fiber all things will pass". SAY WHAT! Boy did I have a lot of what ifs. A couple of hours later I'm thinking to myself...do I trust a bunch of dentist about such matters. I'm thinking No Way! Susan call the doctor, see what they say. They too put their heads together and said "eat lots of fiber all things will pass but you need to check your stool so you'll know when it passes". You've got to be kidding me...check my what?
Ok it's time to check my stool...I know it's disgusting! I'm on the road what do I do? Public bathroom...I need gloves and something to stir it with. How about a colander? The only thing that came to mind was Walmart. Why not? Next stop Walmart. So I buy lots of fruit, yogurt with fiber, gloves, shish cabob sticks and the nicest colander with handles that fit on the toilet rim...I'm a genius. Straight to the bathroom and take care of business. I love it when a plan comes together however...no wire. Now I don't want to wash the colander in the sink I mean that's really disgusting so I put the colander back in the shopping bag and start out of the store. Everybody knows about the Walmart greeter, right? Not only do they say hi to everyone that visits the store...no they also randomly check bags as you leave the store. You guessed it, "excuse me sir, can I check your bag". "NO" was all I said as I ran out the door...I didn't care if she called the cops, I was out of there!
To make a long disgusting story a little shorter, I did pass the wire the following day and collected it in my fancy-dancy-colander. I've had a lot of people ask me if I kept the appliance and my answer is "Yes". I paid a lot for it and I plan on using it again...just kidding. The short time I had it in helped stabilize those teeth and oh ya...I have a slightly used colander for sale.
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11/18/2009
So you think you're an expert boater? My thirty plus years messin' with boats says your not. I don't care who you are or what you've done...we all have stories like this one.
A few years ago I bought this new dinghy and motor because I was tired of fighting the old 2 cycle motors and leaky boats. I can never get those old motors to start. You tune them up and it only last a couple runs and there broken again. They're just not reliable, we've all been there...right? So we go out and buy a brand new 12 ½ foot Rigid Inflatable Boat...Hypalon. We add a new brand name 20hp 4 stroke outboard motor, clean, quite and reliable...with electric start! "I'll never have a problem again"...no really!
Susan, my wife and I take her out and break in the motor then store it away for the season. Now fast forward one year. It's time to install the davits on Valparaiso our Irwin 52 center cockpit ketch. We have to put the dinghy in the water so we can take measurements, "no problem." When we show up at the boat launch there's no one around..."perfect." I love it when a plan comes together. The boats off the trailer and I'm ready to start her up. I push the start button...eeeerrr...nothing. I check the fuel level, pump the primer a couple more times. Check to make sure the air valves open. Hit the start button...eeeerrr...nothing, now I'm getting pissed and of course now there's a string of boats waiting to launch and I'm in the way.
After moving the boat around to the other side of the dock we're ready to try again. I failed to mention that when we bought this new boat we also purchased an extra storage seat that is made out of nylon, real slick on fiberglass. It has concave sides so when the boat is inflated properly it squeezes tight against the sides holding it in place. Oh ya, did I also mention that when you put an inflatable dinghy in cold water it cools the air inside the tubes causing them to slightly deflate...are you seeing the picture yet?
After a couple more attempts and a whole bunch of swearing, oh ya again I failed to mention...I think my wife was a truck driver in a previous life. I've had it, I kicked the motor and it starts. Ya I kicked it! Best I can figure is the fuel float was stuck and when I tapped it ever so slightly, it opened up and eureka. The engine is running but its cold and not running smoothly and I'm pissed, late and not running smoothly either.
Ok I'm ready to go. Now I don't have time to let her warm up. The boat is pointed stern away from the dock. To keep the motor running, I've got the rpm's up. I slam it in reverse. At this point my wife is yelling, "Did you put the kill switch cord on your wrist?" I believe you all no the answer to that one! Twenty or so feet from the dock without throttling down I slam the transmission lever into forward...the front end comes up 40 degrees or so...the nylon loosely fitting seat slides back...I'm a big man and I go head over heels, feet sticking straight up head in the bilge. The motor is hard over going in a circle at 2 to 3 thousand rpm's while my wife stands on the dock yelling all sorts of obscenities, I did mention she was a truck driver, right? At this point I'm the $100,000 winner on Americas Funniest Home Videos. If only someone had a camera...
As that famous radio personality would say, "and now the rest of the story." Somewhere between the third or fourth go around, I decided that I was either going over the stern, get run over or...with all my might, throw my weight forward hoping to recover from this predicament. I went for it! Of course as I propelled myself forward, I bumped the tiller handle causing the boat to come up on plane headed directly for the dock, no not away but directly at the fifteen or so innocent bystanders who were scattering in all directions. Not my wife...no she's still standing there swearing at me, a Kodak moment if I've ever seen one. At the very last second I was able to turn the dinghy hard right sending a wave of water across the dock as I proceeded to head out into the river. The last time I saw my wife she was heading up the ramp, still swearing. I motored out a couple of hundred feet off shore and cleaned out my shorts. As I looked back, everyone else was going about whatever they were doing before the rodeo, but there standing alone on the end of the dock was this little old woman. She was standing with her feet slightly apart kind of hunched over staring at me. As I made eye contact with her she shook her head in disbelief, turned and walked away. I said to myself, "ya lady you're right, I am a moron!"
The moral of the story: I walked away this time...no matter how much you think you know...you can always learn something new. Take your time, be safe, don't let your anger get in the way. My wife still swears at me but darn it she is always right, I hate that!
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11/11/2009, OKC
Susan and I arrived home (Portland) a few days after the fourth of July. We had a great trip...saw family in Missouri and lots of friends in Wyoming. Spent a day in Jackson Hole...rode the gondola to the top of the mountain...it was beautiful. As a joke my son (the one that hits his head on everything and ties himself up) had a For Sale sign hanging on the boat...the funny thing is he had a couple of people want to look at her.
My ToDo list was a page long (not bad it was three and half pages a couple of years ago). I was able to knock out about a half a page over the summer. When it came to the Windlass, JW and I took about six weeks to complete a one week project...but we got her done (see photo). We did get to take out the boat once and try out the new Windlass which worked like a champ.
I'm back in OKC for now...should be leaving around April for good. It looks like Mexico will be are next destination. If everything goes well we should be leaving in late spring harbor hopping down the coast to San Diego by late summer early fall for the 2010 Baha-Ha-Ha.
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